Energy Awareness

'When you find yourself in the thick of it, 
help yourself to a bit of what is all around you...' 

-- from Martha My Dear by The Beatles

In class we noticed how the energy within our bodies and within the room had changed after meditating. So when we talk about energy, we are not talking about something that we have not observed for ourselves. This experience of observable phenomena is basic to the Buddha's teachings -- the importance of noticing and questioning everything. We question the veracity of long-accepted statements and explore with fresh awareness and attention what is occurring in this moment. So let’s explore together, with curiosity, this energy.

What is the nature of this energy we have observed? It’s something that is beyond our ability to name. When we name it, it suddenly isn’t what we’re talking about anymore. But still, we need a way to talk about it. Perhaps we could see it as the resting state of all that is, the default position, like an infinite body of water with no wind acting upon it. Perhaps this energy is the felt sense of the space that fills every molecule of being, the seen and the unseen.

I think of the story of the fish who looked everywhere for this much-talked-about and highly valued but elusive thing called ‘water.’ It took him a lifetime to realize that the water he was seeking was invisible to him because there was no ‘not water’ in his experience. This energy we are talking about is so fundamental to our experience of life that we don’t just take it for granted, we really can’t see it!

We see darkness because there is light, beauty because there is ugliness. All the things that are easy to see are defined by their opposite. But this quality of energy we are talking about has no opposite. The changes that occur are simply the way the energy is moved and contorted. It is still the energy. So we don’t just take it for granted, we forget it exists! And yet when we sense in, we may become are aware of it. It creates phenomena that is observable.

Is this energy the only constant in life? We observe the truth of the Buddha’s fundamental teaching that all things are impermanent because all things, including thoughts, emotions, concepts, ideas, objects, and ourselves are compounded. Two or more causes and conditions were necessary for them to come into being. We can observe this impermanence in the weather, the cycles of nature, and in the changes that occur in our bodies, our relationships and our circumstances.

Believing in permanence is a fundamental source of our suffering. When things are ‘good’ we cling to them. When things are ‘bad’ we forget that ‘this too shall pass.’ As a result, we may do all manner of unskillful things in order to avoid inevitable change. This is the pattern we can observe as we slow down and take the time to center in and really notice. Through our awareness the tight hold of these patterns begins to soften and dissolve. These patterns are impermanent too.

With this awareness, we recognize the gift of being alive in this form right now, no matter what the circumstances or situation. This moment is always the perfect moment to wake up to what is. We can see that we are active participants in the creation of current reality, whether we are conscious of it or not. When we become aware of the infinite quality of the energy out of which all arises and our ability to notice it, conduct it or amplify it, we can also see clearly how some of our life-long patterns constrict it and dissipate it.

Most of us have experienced how the energy under certain conditions becomes electrified. When large groups of people come together in a state of fear or love, the energy activates collective anger and violence, collective joy and euphoria or a profound sense of connection and intention. We’ve seen this happen at music or sporting events, at rallies and marches. We’ve seen news footage of Hitler directing this energy, arousing the collective fear into a powerful punch that still resonates so many decades later. Perhaps just reading that name sent some energetic shock waves through your body. That’s how powerful this energy is! We now know that our brain chemistry changes in a myriad of ways when we are exposed to these energy-activating experiences.

I experienced this kind of mass energy when I participated in the marches in San Francisco in 2002 and 2003 to demonstrate against going to war in Iraq. I marched multiple times, but noticed a real difference at the march where I sat in meditation with the Buddhist Peace Fellowship as the marchers assembled at the base of Market Street before the march began. To sit in silence with speakers ranting and thousands of strangers milling about within inches of me was quite a different meditation! But mindfulness training kept me fully present, relaxed but alert.

When we meditators rose and joined the march, the energy all around us felt very buoyant. There was a quality of spaciousness -- no bumping into anyone even though the crowd was dense. There was a quality of loving-kindness and gratitude for all these dedicated people from all walks of life coming together to show their concern for the well being of the peoples of the world and the planet. As we marched, this sense of spaciousness spread out from the meditators and seemed to affect the marchers around us -- who knows how far up and down the march -- allowing everyone to be centered in their profound understanding that war is not the answer rather than getting caught up in surface distractions. There was great camaraderie and deep respect. There was a sense that whatever the results of our wise efforts there that day, we were creating right there in that moment the energy of peace. How skillful!

We often think of peace as the absence of war, but peace is much more than that. Peace is powerful! It is the collective creative energy that arises out of love and respect. When we seek peace out of fear, it is a paltry thing, a wimpy sniveling craving for safety that is simply a forgetting of the potentiality of accessing the energy always available to us. This fear is absolutely understandable. We have spent our lives unaware that we have access to unitive universal energy to transform our current experience. In fact, we believe ourselves to be powerless. Any person who is truly at peace, who feels deeply connected with all beings, will create a very different resonance than one who is screaming their separateness and fear. When we actively engage the loving spacious energy within ourselves and then come together in deep respect, this is powerful peace. The energetic experience is transformative.

When we access our Buddha nature, our quiet voice within, and do so together, a collective energy arises that is infinite in its potential. When the crowd disbands, the sense of euphoria will dissipate, due to the natural ebb and flow of energy. It would be quite human to feel disappointed. In that moment we have the choice of being present with this experience, thus aligning with the energy, or getting caught up in longing for another ‘group high’ experience, thus succombing to the pattern of ‘not enough’ that constricts our ability to be present and fully in touch with our own capacity for aliveness.

I mentioned the ebb and flow of energy. This tidal quality doesn’t mean the energy comes and goes so much as it expands and compresses. We may experience the way energy rises and falls like waves, overwhelming us or draining us. Remember the rule at the ocean’s edge: Never turn your back to it! We could use that as a reminder to be awake and aware of the energy.

A friend of mine was an avid Buddhist student for many years. Then in her fifties she took up surfing. What she learned resting on the ocean and riding the waves has made sense of all the dharma talks she ever heard. The Buddha taught his students to find out for themselves. She is doing that in her intimate relationship with the ocean.

Here’s another phenomenon we may have noticed about this energy: We are familiar with how spending time with certain people makes us exhausted, as if they have drained the energy right out of us. Of course, it is not most people’s intention to drain energy out of anyone, but the effect is still there. When we rely on other people to direct, inspire, shore up our own energy, then we drain their energy. This happens when we are afraid or simply don’t know how to access our own inner wellspring of infinite energy through meditation in whatever form works for us.

People may say about an acquaintance ‘She’s so needy.’ This just means that ‘she’ (or he) hasn’t found the portal to access infinite energy, so is relying heavily on others.

Pause for a moment to sense into your body, into whatever physical sensation you notice right now -- pressure, temperature, tension, pain, the quality of energy or the movement of the breath. Now picture a person you know who drains you of energy when you are with them.

While thinking of that person, notice if your body sensations change in some way. Perhaps there is a tightness that sets in, a change in the pattern of the breath, or a sense of aching exhaustion. Just notice what, if anything, happens when you have this person in mind.

Now let that image go. Then focus on the breath rising and falling, that steady flow of energy and see what happens with the sensations in the body. If you experience a return to a sense of ease or well being, then you have just given yourself a clear demonstration of the power of this energy and the power of our thoughts to affect our experience of this energy.

The Buddha taught his students to incline the mind toward wholesome thoughts. Since he was teaching primarily young men, he was probably encouraging them to bring their awareness a little higher up than their loins. But this advice is useful for all of us. We have just seen how, when we dwell on a certain person or situation, we feel drained. When we are drained of energy we are disempowered, living in fear -- whether for the other person, the state of the world, or our own well being. We feel paralyzed and helpless.

This is where the powerful practice of metta comes in. Metta, as you probably know is universal loving-kindness. The activity of sending metta, first to ourselves, then to others and eventually to the whole universe, aligns us with our Buddha Nature. Our Buddha Nature, or whatever you are most comfortable calling it, is our access point to this infinite loving energy. When we access this energy, we feel its power to center us, bring us fully present, and hold us in a loving open embrace. Because the nature of this energy is infinite, we not only don’t need to keep it to ourselves, we can’t contain it! It glows and grows and compels us to share it with the world. Because the nature of this energy is infinite, we cannot be in it and withhold it from any being. We cannot be in it and judge some beings as unworthy of receiving this loving-kindness. So we share it, amplify it, enjoy the sense of aligning with this powerful loving-kindness that is flowing through us.

In class we did an extended metta practice, using the phrases ‘May I be well, may you be well, etc.’ In our next class we will explore this practice in more depth, especially those places where we have resistance, like sending metta to ourselves and to ‘difficult’ people. But for now it is enough to consider this idea of infinite energy and how we experience it.

If the fish had paused to notice that every time he swished his tail, something moved around him, he might have become aware of that elusive thing called water much sooner. Just so we can pause and notice the interplay of our thoughts, emotions and actions with the felt sense of energy in our bodies and surroundings.


I would also like to offer this two-minute video of a starling murmuration in Scotland as a wonderful example of the collision-free euphoric group energy seen in other species, but also quite possible in our own.

The Power of Loving-Kindness

Over the past weeks we have been exploring the word ‘should’ and similar bully words that shove us around. We’ve practiced noticing these words as they come up and then using that awareness to explore where we get stuck in our lives, how we lose vital energy by relying on should thinking to determine our course.

When we pause, even briefly, we can tap into that vital energy that courses through us -- the energy of light and loving-kindness that is our natural way of being in the world.

Now here you might skillfully question ‘Is this true? Is kindness our natural way? Are we born to it?’ When I ask in about this, I can’t help but think about the babies I’ve been hanging out with lately. Openness, curiosity and delight come quite naturally to newborns and as soon as they start spending more time awake, and basic needs are attended to, they are quite present, interested and easily delighted by whatever comes.

These naturally-occurring dispositions can easily be shut down and distorted. But if they are not, if they are met with loving-kindness, then loving-kindness will result. Parents and all who help care for children have the power to nurture or quash their way of being in the world, making their roles the most important and powerful in the world.

So babies are a good indicator that openness and loving kindness are basic to our nature. But we can do our own inner exploration by spending time away from the clamor of the media, electronics and the social interactivity that is central to most of our lives.

When we sit or walk in silence, our minds have the opportunity to calm. If we let our eyes close or gaze upon a tree, a bird or a flower, then we get a more accurate reading of our own nature. The thoughts that race around in our brains may still be there, but in time they may begin to seem more superfluous, no longer a part of who we believe ourselves to be. Awareness intensifies. The present moment expands and becomes all encompassing. In this moment we are simply here, sensing into this experience of being. What may arise from this experience is an upwelling of gratitude and tenderness for all of it.

If you try this experiment and are frustrated because your mind does not suddenly find perfect peace, then just be with the bundle of expectations, judgments and dissatisfaction that arises. Not as a punishment, but as an opportunity to be aware of what is, to breathe into it, to hold it with as much kindness as is possible in the moment. You are not unique in your frustration! Just allow for the possibility that awareness and loving kindness to the thoughts and emotions that arise is more useful than compounding misery with more harsh judgments. When we are most resistant, ‘allowing for the possibility’ is a gentle prod that can be very effective. It seems like not much of a concession, so we meet it with a perhaps grudging willingness. And that’s all that is needed to begin the process of melting the hard cold clamped down tightness that keeps us from accessing our true nature.

Though some may never take the opportunity to give themselves the gift of pausing to be in the moment, the ability to let go and access this ‘Buddha nature’ is within us all. So yes, we are naturally conduits of loving kindness, and when we are able to open to it, we align with that energy and amplify it.

This quality of amplification is one I hadn’t considered much in my practice. I imagine myself as a conduit of universal energy at times, but it acts more as a megaphone rather than a pipe shape. It takes the universal energy and focuses it in a particular direction, based on our natural interests and talents. This focus amplifies the felt sense of the energy.

Sounds like a lot of responsibility! You may be familiar with the quote by Marianne Williamson that reminds us that we are powerful beyond measure. Somehow we know this and often are afraid of this power. We have seen power misused. We have seen charismatic people incite crowds to all manner of destructive behavior. So we are right to be cautious! But it is not skillful to shut down the power that is within us. It is skillful instead to notice always if it is arising from fear, thus leaving destruction in its path; or arising from univeral loving-kindness, and thus creating spaciousness, a sense of well being and oneness.

We are all powerful. You undoubtedly have experienced or observed this power many times. Someone walks into the room and things lighten up, become fun and creative. Suddenly all seems possible. Conversely, someone walks into the room and suddenly things get weird, frenzied, anxious, contentious or the color just drains away and everything feels heavy. Perhaps you feel a need to leave.

One person can do that! Each of us is affecting the energy in whatever situation we are in. We may think we are separate and that our little inner world of turmoil is our business and no one else’s. But there is no separate inner world! There is no ‘me’ in that sense. Our misery may not love company, but no matter how we try to hide it, it’s what we are sharing in every exchange, even when we just stop to buy a little something at the store. 


You know this is true. You have seen it over and over again in your life. You have observed it in others, perhaps seeing a miserable person as separate, pathetic, someone you can compare yourself to and feel glad you are not him or her. But whatever thoughts and feelings exist in you at that time arise from the combination of your energy and theirs -- powerful enough to invade your line of thought or even change the flavor of your day, depending on how much it resonated within you.

When we are centered, calm, compassionate, and fully present, we are powerful beyond measure to bring peaceful joy to every situation. So when we practice meditation, we are not being selfish at all. We are tuning in to the energy that is generous and life-affirming so that all beings may be well. We are not retreating from the world to escape it. We are regrouping, reconnecting to the natural loving-kindness of being so that we and all those we encounter may be made more spacious, alive and loving.

Affording ourselves the opportunity to access our true nature is our homework for life. This is about coming home to the open, curious, easily delighted nature that is our Buddha nature.

How do we do it? We notice. We question. We offer ourselves opportunities to pause, to breathe, to be present. We take the ‘shoulds’ that arise in our self-talk and use them for more exploration. We breathe spaciousness into the tangle of our thoughts and emotions so that they unravel and allow themselves to be known as just thoughts passing through, just emotions rising up and falling away.

As part of our practice, we send metta, the Pali word for infinite loving-kindness, to all beings. aligning with this kind of energy. Perhaps we experience this as being energetic expressions of God or all that is or however we are most comfortable envisioning that infinite nature that arises when we quiet down and allow the feeling of spacious interconnection to be known within us.

Everything I teach, everything any meditation teacher teaches, points us back to this simple practice of being present and being compassionate with ourselves when we discover we are not. This is not just a sitting practice. It is a life practice. Wherever we are, at any time, we can pause, we can gaze at whatever is before us, we can sense into physical sensation, we can notice tension, thoughts, emotions and simply breathe into them with our open, curious delight.

This is our birthright. It's who we are. It’s our Buddha nature.

What would a 'should'-free world look like?

In all this discussion of ‘should’ I am sure there are those who are concerned about
what a should-free world look like. How would removing the word ‘should’ from our vocabulary not result in an open ticket to lawlessness?

Well, it certainly could. And if the idea of should-free living gets into the popular culture, it would most likely be taken up as the banner of those seeking excuses to break laws. So perhaps it’s a little reckless to put this idea out there. But like any idea we explore, we are each responsible for how we receive and interpret it.

Anyone who wants to break the law isn’t waiting around for permission from me or anyone else to do so! My students and people who read this blog are more inclined to be so law-abiding that they are creating extra internalized laws, and err on the side of self-imprisonment as a way to be sure they are acceptable. That’s certainly my inclination. As to those who lean the other way, if they have gotten this far in reading this blog, I trust it is with the intention to end the suffering they have seen caused by reckless disregard of the rights and feelings of others. They deeply understand cause and effect and don’t need the word ‘should’ anymore than anyone else. But it still may be a habit, even if it’s only to rail against the word!

So what would a should-free world look like? Such a world could only be sustained if everyone in it were awake, aware, full of loving-kindness and compassion.

But the world we wake up to every morning is not like this, is it? Well, actually it often is until we access the news of the day -- that amalgam of all the things people shouldn’t have done but did. In this imperfect world of people who feel no sense of deep connection to the all that is, we see the damage they, and sometimes we, cause. And it either breaks or hardens our hearts, and probably makes us feel vulnerable, defensive and wary.

We say the world should be a peaceful place, safe for all beings to live free from harm. Right? When we get that ‘should’ in there, we can notice an emotional punch of anger, longing or something else. We use that word should like a paddle to beat ourselves or others with, thinking this spanking will move ourselves or others toward a goal. But does it? How much more effective to use the 'should' we discover in our thinking or speech as a question mark drawing us to explore what it is we really mean, as per previous posts.

Dreaming up a utopian world is a sure way to miss out on this moment. In this moment -- the only moment we have -- we have the capacity to see the beauty of what is. If we can see only the disparity between how the world should be and how the world is, we condemn ourselves to suffering. The utopia filter is particularly blinding. Nothing is ever good enough. Or if it briefly does live up to our expectations, it is flawed because of its inability to last.

Whether we are dreaming up this utopia for ourselves or for others, we are still reinforcing the sense of dissatisfaction with what is, which in turn creates a world of unsatisfactoriness. If we get trapped in hope or despair about the future of the world, we lose the energy to lighten and reveal the truth of this moment. This lightened moment radiates out into the lives of many for all the moments to come. Both despair and hope deaden this moment and create weight on the ones to come, creating just that much more despair.

You might be surprised to see ‘hope’ in there. Yes, hope is seductive because it seems positive. But in fact it is always finding fault in this moment and projecting a brighter future. People say ‘If I didn’t have hope I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this situation.’ Well, the hope keeps us from being able to be fully present in this situation, noticing what arises and questioning our assumptions. Without that ability to see the present clearly, we are doomed to be blind to the causes and conditions of the situation. Instead we hope, thus we are withholding our full attention to what is until things get better. Then maybe we’ll be present and able to let go of relying on hope to pull us through. Understanding the nature of impermanence, we intrinsically know that 'this too shall pass' and we may take comfort in that fact, but that's different from directing our attention into the future banking on the hope of change.

Does this sound harsh? It’s not. We wish well for all beings, including ourselves and the people we are closest to. This is an important part of our practice, this sending metta or loving-kindness. But sending metta is not about imagining some specific future situation. It is aligning ourselves with the universal energy of infinite loving-kindness that is always present if we are present to notice it, and radiating it for the benefit of all.

When we get entangled with ‘should’ then the infinite energy of loving-kindness is shorted out. There is a back story with every ‘should’ we say. There’s a rebuttal to every ‘should’ we have. And our ambivalence is a tight thought/emotion pattern that plucks our awareness right out of the present moment. When we are not in the present moment fully, then our energy is disruptive. We short-circuit the loving-kindness that is our natural open expression.

When we bring our ‘should’ mentality into a situation, we initiate a frenzy of mental activity that races to judgment and tries very hard to distance us from the perpetrator of the wrongdoing, even if it is ourselves.

If we can take the time to notice and explore the shoulds and alternate words that crop up often in the way we talk, we can co-create a should-free world in any moment.

Why do we procrastinate?

Noticing the word 'should' when it shows up in our thoughts gives us creative opportunity for exploration. We hear the ‘should’ when we say it and we can pause to play with it. Yes, play!

So, for example, we notice ourselves saying, “I should do (fill in the blank). Ah, ‘should!’” Here we can recognize an opportunity to discover some inner resistance or ambivalence around the thing we feel we ‘should’ do. Noticing the should gives us the chance to sense into that ambivalence and resistance to discover what other thoughts or emotions are present. We might say, ‘Hmm, for some reason I have ambivalence or resistance to doing this thing since I am using the word ‘should’ around it rather than just saying I’m going to do it. What is my ambivalence? What is my resistance?’ This can be a very rich inner dialog, as long as we remember to set the intention to be respectful, curious and compassionate in the process.

Using the ‘shoulds’ we discover as opportunities for self-exploration is more useful and creative than creating another self-scolding ‘should’ level by thinking we shouldn’t use the word ‘should!’

One friend said that she didn’t use the word ‘should’ much. But then, as the conversation continued, she noticed that she was using ‘need to’ and ‘have to’ and other substitute words for should. And then a few shoulds cropped up as well. So we laughed about that! We all use this word or some variation all the time. So it’s not about eradicating the word from our vocabulary, but about noticing it, and then using that noticing to creatively question where we are feeling resistance.

Resistance and ambivalence leads to procrastination. You can look at the areas where you most often procrastinate and find a hornet’s nest of shoulds! Is it a pile of papers on your desk? A phone call you’ve been meaning to make? A party or trip you’ve been meaning to plan? A pile of clutter you've been meaning to sort? Whatever it is, it's clearly a 'should' that makes you shudder. Why?

EXERCISE
After meditation, give yourself at least an extra ten minutes to perform this exercise if it is of interest to you. Have a journal or piece of paper handy to jot down anything that comes up that you might want to review later.
Pick an area of procrastination that feels pertinent right now, something you’ve been meaning to do but haven’t.
Just think about it in your usual way. You will have a recurring pattern of words that you use around this thing that you've been meaning to do. Simply allow it to play out.
Now notice the language you use as you think about it, just being curious and kind. (It's like trying to get a little closer to observe some very skittish little animals that will run at the first provocation. So notice but don't engage. Let them just exhibit their natural behavior.)
When you come upon a ‘should’ or similar word, pause to notice how it feels in the body.
Does anything tighten up, get closed off, get shut down?
How does this affect the inner conversation?
Does the conversation shifts energy on the pivot point of these should words?
If so, does it wind down so you just don’t want to think about it anymore? Or does it heat up in the form of anger, frustration, shame or blame?
Notice the emotions that arise.
This is an exploration. We are not trying to control it. There is no ideal outcome. There is just this noticing the habituated patterns in our thinking.
Notice hopefulness or expectation that this exercise will ‘solve the problem.’
Remind yourself to simply be present with the experience of noticing this pattern of inner conversation in order to learn more about it. This is not about trying to change it. When we are too eager to see results, our expectations sabotage the process.
Remind yourself to bring as much compassionate curiosity as possible to this exploration.
When you find yourself judging, be compassionate about that. This is also part of the pattern that you can explore.

We all have habituated inner conversations like this. I have several of them. I lurch a few steps forward on the project, then some chain reaction of inner events causes me to set it aside, sometimes for years. But even when I’ve set it aside, the 'should' is still there, running around in my head. When I pause and see what’s happening, I can choose to explore it, if it’s an appropriate time, or I can simply be present, noticing the thread of thought as it passes through and return to whatever activity I am doing with my whole attention. 


One reason we are reluctant to explore why we procrastinate is the physical discomfort we feel when the subject comes up. Noticing the physical sensations is very helpful. Notice the sensations. Notice the desire to run away from these sensations. Set the intention to simply be present with them. 


These sensations, when noticed, provide a lot of insight. The tension that arises in our body is the way we hold the past and the future. In meditation, in order to maintain a sense of being fully present, we can breathe into the area to release the tension. This also works well when we are feeling stressed in life. BUT when we are doing an inner exploration, these physical sensations of tension are valuable messengers, because they do hold information in the form of memories, hopes and fears.


We may be afraid to open this 'can of worms' or 'Pandora's Box' of memories and imaginings. In a post-meditative state we can be present with the fear as well as the images that arise. We are less threatened by them because we have developed the ability to observe threads of thoughts and emotions traveling through our open field of spacious awareness. There may be images of something painful, but if they arise they are here to answer a question only, not to cause more pain. After meditation we are better able to look at them with this fresh viewpoint rather than avert our attention in fear as we might usually do. 


How is this image answering the question posed? How does it tie in to the excuses we make about why we procrastinate in this area? Staying curious, kind, non-judgmental if at all possible, we have access to the answers within us. Through meditation, we are able to see more clearly the tight fear-bound patterns of our thoughts and emotions. After meditation we can take the time to pose a question, then be quiet enough to allow what arises within to inform us.

So, what sits on your to do list year after year because it has a lot of unexcavated ‘should’ qualities in it? Is it something you could simply remove from the list, some leftover or borrowed 'should' that has no meaning for you? Or is it something that you want to do, but simply have not explored the resistance and ambivalence you feel around it enough to have clear intention? Perhaps like me you have a voice in there that demands 'Who are you to..' do whatever it is you dare to even think about the possibility of doing. 


It really helps to get to know our inner cast of characters so that we can come into a healthier relationship with them instead of letting them shut us down so that we procrastinate endlessly, putting off activities we truly want to do, or loading us down with a sense we should do something that has no meaning for us. Life does not have to be this heavy! Some pain in life is unavoidable, but procrastination is one of the ways we cause ourselves and others additional unnecessary suffering.


So ask some questions, make a list, journal about why you want to do it and why you don’t. Notice if anything on your list come from somewhere else -- a leftover desire to fulfill a parent’s goal for you; a fear of being judged, etc. When we can see the source of our inner conversations, we can more easily let them go. If they hang around, at least we recognize them and can compassionately acknowledge them and even negotiate with them. But as long as we recognize them for what they are, they can never have the same power over us they did when we believed our thoughts defined us.

This exercise is something you can do whenever you notice your life getting full of ‘shoulds’ and feel anxiety about not doing enough. It is not meant to solve anything, but it will loosen the stranglehold of tight patterns and bring things to light of awareness. By actively exploring we create an energetic spin that gets things moving. We fully inhabit our one and only personal point of power -- this moment, when we wake to it.


[Read more about procrastination.]
[Read more about inner dialoguing.]

Should-free Parenting

We have been discussing how the word ‘should’ and its fellow scolders like 'must' and 'ought' crop up repeatedly in the way we talk to ourselves and often to others as well. The 'others' we are most likely to use them on are our children. Thus we perpetuate this very shallow-rooted motivation into the next generation.

So what then? Are parents just supposed to let their children do whatever they want? Of course not. But the alternative to ‘should’ is not ‘Whatever!’ That is just abdicating parental responsibility.

‘Should’ is a tool of unskillful parenting. It is quite a different kind of word than ‘no’ when used wisely. We could not parent effectively without the word ‘no.’ When we don’t overuse it, thus diffusing its power and numbing our children’s ears to it, a ‘no’ said firmly but not harshly with a clear reason attached, is effective.

If we use ‘no’ only to protect the child or others from harm, it is powerful. Parents who overuse words like ‘no’ or ‘be careful’ have no effective words for when they really mean it. In less serious situations, simply modeling behavior works very well because most children are natural born imitators. They observe the world around them and replicate it. All we need to do is recognize that and be conscious of our own way of being in the world. What are we modeling?

Children's business is to learn how to function in this finite world and they have undeveloped brains in the area of judgment (until the age of 30!! Yikes!!) We who take for granted how the world works need to remember this fact. It can’t be easy to learn how to navigate within the confines of this recently acquired singular physical body. Have some consideration for the challenges they face! Can we patiently show them the ropes of functioning safely in a complex seemingly-finite world? Can we do this lovingly and respectfully, but with confidence and authority?

If you landed on a strange new planet, you would probably want a knowledgeable guide to show you around, teach you the language and the customs. Being a knowledgeable guide is the role of the parent. But some parents don’t see it like that. For whatever reason, they choose other roles. Perhaps they see themselves as dictators of a small but powerful nation called ‘home.’ Children in this context fill the role of feudal serfs or soldiers in the family’s army -- us against the world.

Then there are parents who see themselves as personal assistants to their children. They are not guiding from a position of knowledge and wisdom, but from a desire to be the object of their children’s affections. 
Yesterday I was in the park with my granddaughter and I heard a mother tell her child they needed to leave to get to a class, and
then she amended that statement with the question, “So can we leave?” 
The child, given that invitation to be the decider naturally said no. “Oh please?” the mother cajoled. He just kept playing. 
Then the father came over and the two parents put their heads together to think of what would be the best bribe to get their child to go. They came up with a stop at Jamba Juice. And even with that on offer it took them 20 minutes to gingerly lure the boy away from the park. This poor child is probably terrified to have so much power at the age of four and acts out his fear in all sorts of unskillful ways. Where are the skilled knowledgeable planet guides? he might wonder. How did he have the misfortune to end up with these very nice but useless ones who just follow him around as if
HE’s the one who knows the lay of the land, knows what’s best, when to go, and
what to do.

Then there are people who are operate primarily out of fear of what others think. As parents their main concern is that the children reflect well on them, make them proud or at least not embarrass them. Children can be treated as tokens, totems, awards of merit, lackeys, punching bags, and all manner of inappropriate things that have nothing to do with guiding a new being into this world’s ways without losing that deep sense of knowing who they are.

Being a parent is acknowledged to be the toughest job, but it’s also the most rewarding -- not at some later date, but in the process, because it’s an exchange of vital information. The parent is the guide to this complex new planet. In payment the noticing parent receives fresh insight into the nature of infinite open playful existence. Chances are somewhere along the way, to some degree or another, he or she lost that wondrous sense of connection to all that is. The child gives a window into that state.

If we value the exchange, fulfill our role as guide, and enjoy awakening to the moment which is where young children live, then parenting is indeed the greatest gift there is.
And if one isn’t a parent, spending time with nieces, nephews, the children of friends, students, etc. can keep us in touch with that sense of infinite joyous nature. And in return we as adults can offer different perspectives and areas of interest.

Letting those shallow useless ‘shoulds’ go lets our children grow deep roots. They will do what they do out of love, compassion, gratitude, joy and informed reasoned understanding of this temporal world, thanks to their competent and caring guide parents.