Ours is not a caravan of despair

Come, come, whoever you are,

Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving,

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Even if you have broken your vow a hundred times,

Come, come again.

-- Jalal ad-din Muhammad Rumi, 13th century poet and Sufi mystic

Ours is not a caravan of despair! Why? Because we carry within us an oasis that, if only we take the time to sit and savor, fills us with joy, a sense of connection, a lightness of being. Yet so often we fill our meditation period with harsh inner commentary about our sorry state, how ill-fitted we are to the task of meditation. We do this at the very moment of realization that our mind has been wandering. If only we could realize that in that moment we are quite fully present in our experience, and this is cause for celebration. Instead of gratitude for this moment of presence, we so often choose instead to sit in judgment of the minutes before. Instead of sensing the pleasure of awareness, we fall back into an oh-so-familiar but uncomfortable pattern of making disparaging remarks. Off our mind goes again, into the brutal desert, into despair. We do this in other parts of our life as well, don't we? We think of someone we care about, and instead of feeling joy, we suffer guilt, shame, dread or some other discomfort, because somehow we believe we have not done enough for them, have not done right by them or have not stayed in touch. Is this based in truth? Or is the very discomfort that arises what keeps us from fully engaging? Who put the discomfort there? Most often we create it ourselves. Sometimes we have in mind something we want to do with our lives, yet we spin our wheels in this very same cycle of despair, torturing ourselves with schoolyard bully taunts, and we are stopped in our tracks. Sometimes these taunts set us up for non-action. Sometimes they set us up for destructive action. Listening in, recognizing the fear-based quality of these inner conversations is very important in order to recognize the the murky, sometimes downright nasty, motivations, so that we can apply the wisdom of the Buddha's Eightfold Path to help us. After a period of meditation is an especially good time to explore and question, one by one, as they arise in our field of awareness, these murky motivations. Resetting Intention -- Wise Action includes resetting our intentions, our vows, again and again. In this we understand and accept that we are human, by our very nature prone to error. This resetting of intentions is not casually undertaken, the way my granddaughter gaily calls out ‘Sorry!’ as she repeats whatever annoying thing she has done. (We’re hoping it’s just a phase.) Most of us know someone who is equally casual with their apologies and doesn't have the excuse of being only three years old. We don’t want to be that person who thinks an oft-repeated ‘Sorry!’ is sufficient to repair damage done, who justifies unskillful actions as if they are the hapless victim of some incorrigible personality trait, a trait that they seem in fact to find particularly endearing. Through meditation and working with the Buddha’s Noble Eightfold Path, we learn to see the patterns of our own behavior. We see how our mind creates justifications and excuses, how it takes shortcuts and dodges around any reasonable challenges to what we believe to be true. We have skillful questions we can ask of these thoughts that prompted this unskillful action: What was our motivation in that action? If it wasn't grounded in our intention to be present and compassionate with ourselves and all life, then we were operating out of the murky mire of mindless motivations! We believed we had something to fear, something to hide, or something to prove. Whenever we get bogged down in these motivations, we can pause to recognize the nature of our current quagmire, and reset our intentions to be present in this moment, however uncomfortable, and to be compassionate with ourselves and others. What was the nature of our effort in that action? We were striving, focused on our goal, becoming mindless? Or half-hearted in our effort? Wise Effort is anchored in the present moment, attune to what is needed now. Did we stay on the couch channel surfing when the body wanted to move? Did we keep working on a project when the body wanted to rest? Did we push our agenda through without regard to others? What was the nature of our world view in that action? Did we believe that:

• The world is a hostile place filled with threats?
• We are this body, separate from the flow of being?
• We are these thoughts, unique and in need of defending?
• If we just held on tight enough things would stay the same?
• If we grab onto something new, it will make things all better?
• We are the appointed referee of others’ behavior?

These kinds of beliefs constrict us and force misery upon us and potentially on those around us as well. It's worthwhile to question all beliefs that fly in the face of Wise View which sees clearly the nature of impermanence (anicca), no separate self (anatta) and the ways we create suffering through clinging to and pushing away our current experience (dukkha). Were we being mindful in that action? Very unlikely. Wise Mindfulness tends to keep us out of trouble. It offers more spaciousness within any moment to make wise choices. Mindfulness is an ongoing practice, stirred by Wise Concentration. The more we develop this muscle of mindfulness, the less often we will cause harm through our actions. The Eightfold Path sheds light on where we strayed and what to do about it now. We attend this moment, and the next as it comes. In this way we deepen our experience of being, and we learn the wisdom and beauty that is present in every moment. If we have wronged someone else, once we recognize it and have reset our intentions, we can do whatever is mindful and compassionate to right the wrong, and if there is nothing that can make it right, a whole-hearted recognition of the wrong may be appreciated. With the help of the Eightfold Path we can see where we went wrong and how we can assure that we will be wiser in the future. Our intention is not to remake ourselves into paragons of virtue. That is just grasping at some identity, and any identity we try to create just sets us up for misery, and Miz Perfect is particularly fraught. We will err, time and again. But with the handy dandy Eightfold Path to show us how we we came to make that mistake, we will spend less time steeped in misery and more time actively engaged in life, with deep appreciation for this fleeting gift. When Others Mess Up

We might notice that our thoughts and emotions are not just entangled in how we may have erred, but in the errors of other people. We might be caught up in blame. We might be stuck in defending the state of victim-hood. The Eightfold Path can also help here. We can look at the action of this other person and see where they strayed off the path. And in so doing, we can begin to see that the action came from mindlessness, from murky motivations, from over- or under-efforting. Seeing this, we can perhaps activate a little more compassion within ourselves. Certainly we have seen how easy it is to go mindless, to follow misguided motivations instead of Wise Intention. If we are struggling with the effects of what someone did to us, the Eightfold Path offers us the means to understand both the other person and what we can do in this moment ourselves. We can look at our intentions toward them. We can see how we may be held in the past by what is unresolved in our heart. We can see how our sense of defending this separate self that has been wronged keeps us from accessing the infinite nature of being. But it is not just people who did us wrong whom we have difficulty with. Perhaps we are in the habit of playing the referee in this game of life, and getting upset over other people’s behavior, even when it does not affect us and we have no say in the matter. In this process, we begin to recognize that those who do wrong are also in a state of mindlessness and lack of understanding of the way of things. How does this alter our feelings towards them? Can we send them metta, loving-kindness, in the form of well-wishes like: May you be well, May you be happy. May you be at ease. May you be at peace. Perhaps metta practice is most challenging when it comes to people convicted of horrendous crimes, people who are serving life sentences or who are sitting on death row. We in Marin County are given the often uncomfortable gift of thinking about these very people every time we take the ferry to and from San Francisco, as we pass close by San Quentin State Penitentiary. That old dilapidated structure holds within its walls men who have committed the most heinously unskillful actions possible. Metta is not selective. It is like the sun, shining on everything in its path. This can be a really big challenge, but it is a challenge worthy of the effort. It is a challenge that requires us to be mindful, to notice our own resistance and be compassionate with that within ourselves that struggles, that reacts, that wants to strike out in anger against perpetrators who struck out in anger. We can see how anger for anger hyper-reactivity creates a dense field of fear-based misery. As we practice compassion and mindfulness, we create spaciousness to hold everything with equanimity, even the existence of the most troubled and unskillful actions. Over the past decade there has been a great revolution inside prison walls all around the world. Prisoners are learning to meditate, to spend time noticing the patterns of their thoughts, to contemplate the actions they have done and to look more clearly at what pain they have caused and to feel compassion for the victims of their actions. This simple practice has transformed many hearts and minds. And in the process it has begun a potential transformation of prisons from violence compression chambers that exacerbate the problem into places of potential healing for both the perpetrators and the victims of crime. May this trend continue! Whoever we are, a regular practice of meditation helps assure that ours is not a caravan of despair, but a caravan of clarity, compassion and joy!

Wise Action Keeps Us Moving

At the core of Wise Action is the felt sense of our physical bodies moving through space. So often we go mindless as we move about, distracted by thoughts, sights and other multitasking activities. Is this wise? Think about some time when you had an accident while moving your body (or a vehicle) through space. Would that accident have happened if you had been totally present in your body? When I brought this subject up to the class, every student responded to the topic with a story of having fallen down. So even though this is an important topic for everyone, it clearly becomes increasingly important as we age. I led the meditators in a walking exercise that was similar to a walking meditation, in that our focus was to be present in the felt sense of our bodies, particularly the lower part of the body. It differed from a typical walking meditation in that, to whatever degree we were able, we maintained the mindfulness while bringing the pace up to a more normal level. The aim is to be able to be present while going about our daily activities. Is it possible to be so present? Yes, we can train the mind to use a percentage of our awareness to anchor into the felt sense of moving through space. We can use a percentage of our visual awareness to purposefully notice the relationship of our body to other objects. This is not a fear-based instruction in how to navigate through a minefield of hazards, as if we were playing a video game. If we are rooted in fear, we create more tension and a self-consciousness that makes us second guess and doubt our movements instead of fully inhabiting this physical experience. When we bring more awareness to the dance of life, we experience with gratitude the pleasure of being present and alive. Awareness creates more fluidity and agility. I have put the directions for the walking practice at the end of this post, but first let’s look more specifically at the cause of most accidents: Being distracted, rushed or exhausted. Let's look at each and apply Wise Action:
Destination Focus/Goal Oriented

We know where we are going and we will get there, but to arrive safely, refreshed and fully ready for anything, we need to stay present for the journey itself. Lost in Thought

We may be in the habit of getting a lot of thinking done when we are walking or driving. We put movement on automatic pilot. That is a danger to ourselves and others. And by using that time to think instead of be fully present in the experience of being alive in this moment, we miss out on so much! Devices

This more recent addition to the list of distractions has really been taking a toll in the emergency room. If you receive a call or a text, ignore it until you can stop in a safe place to attend to it. Everyone thinks they are the exception to the finding that we can't safely do more than one thing at a time. The Wise Action is to do only one thing and do it wholeheartedly for the benefit of ourselves and all beings. Visual Delight

We may be enjoying being in the present moment, but we are putting too much focus on the sights around us, and not enough on the path in front of us. We can enjoy our surroundings with all our senses, but some percentage of our awareness needs to stay with the felt sense of moving through space and the relationship of our body to objects in our path. This also applies to driving if we are sight-seeing or getting caught up in thoughts about fellow drivers or interesting spectacles. Rushing

This is another health hazard. We know that when we feel rushed we can get reckless. Our judgment becomes impaired and our sense of connection and kindness are likely to get tossed out the window in our compelling need to get somewhere on time. While it is skillful to meet our social agreements to meet a certain place at a certain time, once it is clear that that is not going to happen, and once we are moving through space, either on foot or driving a potential death delivery system on the road, we need to let go of that urgency to get there, and just be mindful. It will take as long as it takes and no amount of rushing will help. Rushing may hurt or even kill someone! So slow down! Be present. Exhaustion

Accidents also happen when we push too hard, when we are determine to finish a project or get somewhere, and push through our body’s request for rest with determination. This is not Wise Effort. If we are in tune with our body, we take its cues seriously. We acknowledge thirst, hunger and the need to sit or lie down. Usually these needs are easily met and won’t necessarily take a lot of time. Perhaps the rest that’s needed is just a time out for ten or twenty minutes. Then the body is refreshed and better able to do what's needed without all the attending frustration, expletives, shoddy results and physical danger. Wise Action Walking Meditation Practice

Start with standing meditation, coming fully present in the body, adjusting the body to be balanced.

Then start walking, sensing the movement of the limbs. Move as slowly as you need to in order to stay present. Then start moving your arms and stay present with the sense of the arms moving in space, the legs moving in space, the muscles contracting and extending. You can walk normally and be fully present in the body. Simply set your destination, then be present in the walking itself. If we can be present in physical movement we will have a much greater chance of arriving wherever we go in safety. And -- bonus! -- we'll arrive full present to enjoy the experience of being there.

So Much To Do, So Little Time!

We had a lively Wise Action discussion prompted by a question posed by one of the students which boils down to: How do I make time for everything I want to do in life?

We are a group of women of a certain age, who, having led busy lives between work and family, are now, for the most part, at a time in our lives when we are able to choose the things we really want to do. Most of us have a lighter load of the things we feel we have to do, thanks to retirement, an empty nest, husbands taking on a greater role around the house, etc. Of course, some of us have more responsibilities, taking care of loved ones who are ill, reaching out into the community, etc. But in general, we feel more empowered to choose our actions and activities.

Perhaps because women are inherently multi-taskers (to keep the toddler from drowning in the river while we gather berries and firewood), we often find that our thoughts during any activity include a little anxiety about something else we should be doing instead. This keeps us from being fully present in the moment to enjoy what we are doing and to do it well.

One way to bring full mindfulness to every activity is to organize our day as if we were on retreat. Vipassana meditation retreats are quite structured, which we might think would create limitations, but actually creates freedom. When it is time to sit, we simply sit, and don’t feel we should be elsewhere. Likewise, when we are doing a walking meditation, eating a meal, or resting.

Part of every retreat day is a designated period where we do our yogi job. This is a voluntary chore of cleaning or food preparation that helps keep the retreat running smoothly. During that period we do our work mindfully, noticing the arising of misguided motivations (‘This will be the cleanest shower anyone’s ever seen! I’ll be the best yogi ever!’ or ‘Why on earth did I pick this yogi job? I bet sweeping the terrace would be a lot better.’) We might notice unskillful effort: striving too hard with our thoughts only on the goal instead of living the activity; or sloughing off, doing the least we can ‘get away with.’

This sense of a yogi job, that we do to the best of our ability with mindfulness and wise effort for a set amount of time during the day, works very well for doing household chores, bookkeeping and errands. Without that boundary-setting of a limited time frame, we have a running To Do list in our heads that keeps us on a never ending treadmill of feeling we are not doing enough, when we may very well be doing too much.

One thing that several students and I found was that email and online activity gobbles up time in a way that is quite unnerving. I liken my circling round to check email as having the same addictive quality I have felt at times in my life when I have mindlessly circled round to the refrigerator. If it feels like an addiction, then we can either go cold turkey by not having this technology at all, or we can set limits.

Limits might be as simple as using a timer. Make a note of what we originally wanted to accomplish on the computer/smart phone beforehand, then do that first before opening email and getting off track. This sounds easier than it is in practice, but I am setting the challenge for myself to see if it can be done.

A Surfeit of Options

One student said she imagined that at this time of life she would have SO much time and yet she sees that she doesn't, that she has to pick the top three or four things she wants to do and let go of the rest.

When it comes to the surfeit of options we are so fortunate to have, we all expressed our great gratitude for the wondrous opportunities, but having stuff doesn’t create wisdom, so we can still be incredibly unskillful and cause ourselves suffering. How do we make wise choices?

How can we determine what we can let go of? What is beneficial and what is just filling time, or dragging us down? Try this exercise:

Bring to mind something you do during an average day or week.

Now ask the following questions:

- What is my intention with this action?

If you feel motivated by having something to prove rather than something to give, then this isn’t Wise Action. Remember Wise Intention is to be fully present with lovingkindness.

- Who am I doing this for?

Sometimes we get our signals crossed. We think we are doing something someone we love wants us to do. But our assumptions are not based in fact. Time to have a conversation!

- What benefits come from this action?

Make a list. and then ask:

- Is this true?

This is where the rich exploration really begins. When we question our assumptions we breathe new life into our actions.

- When I think about this action, what do I feel in my body?

If a lightness, a sense of enlivening, then I know that this action is nourishing me and no more needs to be explored. I have my answer. This action stays!

If there are any sensations of tightening, deadening, pressure, heaviness or dread, then ask:

- What are the thoughts that prompt these feelings?

- What are the fears I have about this activity?

Within each exploration, every time you make a statement, ask again, ‘Is this true?’

The result is an inner dialogue that effectively determines the value of the action. Then you can decide whether the activity is a valuable part of your life, or discover perhaps that you were doing it for the wrong reasons, or it no longer fits, etc. You can make adjustments to the activity, instilling it with Wise Intention and Wise Effort, or you can let that activity go.

- Is this my job to do, or is there someone else who could do it?

Sometimes we forget that there are other people in the world who might enjoy and appreciate the opportunity to do what it is we are doing. If we are able to hire someone to do a chore we find tiresome, certainly we are contributing to the economic well being of our community by doing so. If this is not financially feasible, hire yourself! What payment would you like? Equal time with a good book? A day at the beach? A walk with a friend? It’s yours!

If you find through this exploration that any of your activities are not Wise Action, then the wise course of action is to make a change in as mindful and compassionate a way as possible.

11/12/13 P.S. I just received a link to a post on TinyBuddha that totally fits into this discussion and offers more valuable questions we can ask ourselves when we are looking at all we have to do.

Wise Action, Well Planet

In the last dharma talk I offered a way to investigate whether an action we did was wise. Even the simple question of whether something is a wise action brings our attention to the present moment, modifying the impact of mindlessness, which is the chief cause of unskillful action.
The other cause is feeling disconnected, separate and therefore lacking in a sense of compassion, for ourselves and others. When we looked at Wise View, we saw why it is that we feel separate when in fact that sense of separateness is simply a convenient shorthand to get things done -- handy but if we buy into it too much, we cause suffering for ourselves and others. [Read more.] But we have other ways to investigate an action to see if it is wise. We can ask, ‘What if everyone did this?’ This challenges any sense of personal entitlement we might have mindlessly lurking in our murky motivations. If we can honestly answer that if everyone did this action there would be no negative outcome, then perhaps it is not so unskillful. Another question we might ask is what impact this action could have not just on our children or grandchildren but on down to the seventh generation of our descendants, a wise consideration imparted by native American traditions. Understanding the long term implications of our actions, even small ones, is increasingly important as our population increases and our resources are depleted. To a degree, we as a species have become more mindful, have taken steps to modify and correct our previously mindless behavior with recycling, composting, increases in alternative technologies, etc. But we are far from where we need to be in order to say we are doing our best.

  I am happy to say that the Buddhist community is increasingly committed to Wise Action in this regard. And this week, Buddhist meditation teachers have been asked to talk about the importance of environmental awareness to their students. How perfect when we are studying Wise Action!

Notice how this feels. What comes up in your thoughts? What happens in your body when I say this will be our topic. Is there an eagerness or a sense of unease? Whatever you are feeling, be compassionate. This is not a scolding, but an exploration of what is true and what, with mindfulness and balanced effort is possible. Take your time and answer these questions for yourself: To what degree does the well being of the air, water and land play a role in your daily decisions? If everyone did what you are doing, what kind of world would this be? This is such a great question because it speaks to our collective humanity, our community. It reminds us that we are not isolated. Yay! But also that everything we do has ramifications. How can we be conscious without becoming strident? How can we be in relationship with the earth and all beings who inhabit this planet in a way that is compassionate, caring, joyful and responsible. Can we do this without proselytizing and fueling an 'us against them' mentality that is so disruptive and counterproductive? We are not just all in this together; we are one pulsing energetic system of life! Try this practice right now: 

• Set the intentions to be present, anchored in physical sensation and to be compassionate with yourself and others. 
• Bring to mind your relationship with all beings and the earth itself. 
• Notice how this feels in the physical senses, if there is a sense of ease, discomfort or tightness arising.
• Practice some metta, lovingkindness: May I be well. May I be happy. May I be at ease. May I be at peace....See how that feels, this sense of giving and receiving lovingkindness. Then: May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. May all beings be at ease. May all beings be at peace.

Sit with the gifts of this simple practice, staying present with physical sensation, being compassionate when the mind tugs like a puppy on a leash, wanting to leap into the past or future. Simply come back to this moment, anchored in physical sensation. Rest in this place a bit, this natural relationship. If there is tightness, you might imagine a furry animal coming and nestling against that area, offering compassion, companionship and warmth, a sense of shared aliveness.

Coming into a tender heartfelt relationship with our planet and its inhabitants is a lovely gift. From that state, what is Wise Action? Do your actions or lack of action reflect your understanding? Or is there a disconnect?

This is where the Eightfold Path is so very useful. It helps us to see what that nagging discomfort is within us. Knowing this, we can take Wise Action, based in Wise Intention, Wise Effort, Wise View, Wise Mindfulness, attended by Wise Concentration. 

What would Wise Action be for you?
For me, I took my commitment to the well being of the planet to another level when I switched to Deep Green level of the Marin Clean Energy program. If you live in Marin County, CA and would like to know that your electric bill buys 100% wind power, rather than a combination of nuclear and other sources, it's easy to switch.
Again, if you live in Marin County, you might find the Green Up! page on the Marin Group Sierra Club website useful. (I am the volunteer website administrator, and that page is my baby. I am always interested in feedback on how to make it better, so please check it out.)

Wise Action

As you can see in the illustration, Wise Action, Wise Speech and Wise Livelihood arise like steam out of Wise Mindfulness.

This is not the traditional way these three parts of the Eightfold Path are taught. Usually these three virtue or sila practices are taught sooner than some of the others we have explored. But the teacher is always advised to consider the needs and nature of his or her students. For most of the past 2500 years, these teachings have mostly been offered to boys and young men in their training as monks, and to a lesser degree girls and young women training as nuns. They needed basic instruction in right and wrong. My students are women of a certain age. They not only know the difference between right and wrong, they have taught it to younger generations. My students are women with wisdom earned the hard way, through life experience. They consistently try to do the right thing. Even so, things don’t always turn out right, do they?

Say, for example, you put together a family gathering, try to make everyone happy, but then one of your adult children or a husband says, ‘Just relax, you’re stressing us all out.” Sound familiar? You might think ‘Why that ungrateful...After all I’ve done, this is the thanks I get?” or “You lout, if you had any clue to how much work and planning is involved to make something like this come out so you all can relax!” Oh yeah, you’re bound to get a little huffy. You’re exhausted and your feelings are hurt.

Exhaustion and hurt feelings are clues for us to recognize that something about this was not Wise Action. But what? This is where the Eightfold Path is so handy.

If we look back down the Cooking Pot Analogy to that little flame of intention, we can probably see that we were so focused on this future event, we forgot about the intention to stay present. And in doing so there were certainly times when we weren’t compassionate with ourselves or others. What were our motivations then? Were we fueled by fear that we would get the reputation as inept, slovenly or somewhat less than the hostess with the mostest? Quel horreur! Perhaps we can smile at our human foibles instead of defending or indulging them. With awareness and compassion, we can realign with Wise Intention.

When we look at the balanced campfire logs of Wise Effort, we can see that we got out of balance by striving too hard to make everything just perfect. As if perfection ever caused happiness! And, just so we’re clear, it isn’t balance to strive mindlessly for weeks and then after the event took to our bed for days. Balance is alive in every moment.

We can question if we were holding Wise View. Answer? Probably not. Probably we were mindlessly seeking that infamous Kodak moment, trying to prove something to ourselves or others, and finding fault with everything that didn't measure up, including or most especially ourselves.

Here are some simple steps to understand Wise Action:

1. Recognize an unskillful action, your own or someone else’s.
2. Note the intentions, motivations, urges or impulses that prompted the action. Were they Wise Intentions to be mindful and kind?
3. Note the effort used. Was it Wise Effort, balanced and anchored in Wise Intention and Wise View? Or was the action tense, fear-based, striving, over-efforting; or half-hearted, sloughing off, not really making much of an effort at all?
4. Note the view from which this action arose. Did you believe you needed to shore up your separate sense of self in order to prove your worth, your right to take up space on the planet? Was it to grasp and cling at something, hoping to control life and create permanence?
5. Note your state of mind during this action. Did this action come from a lack of Wise Mindfulness? Would a little more focused Wise Concentration have made a difference?

We all have plenty of examples of unskillful actions to work with: our own, someone else’s, or ones we see in books and movies. We can use them to learn what is skillful, what is mindful, what is wise. With compassion and clear attention we can see where things went wrong and why.

We will look at Wise Speech and Wise Livelihood in the coming weeks, but we begin with Wise Action, a huge subject that we will divide up into smaller pieces. In class I had the students call out the many areas in which we have action, starting with our bodies. Here are the areas we came up with:

Body-Mind

Nutrition, sleep, rest, exercise, posture, mental stimulation, meditation, stress release, grooming, health maintenance, addictions, thinking, expressing emotions, dream, amusement, song, playing a musical instrument, creating art, play, moving in space (walking, driving, running, swimming, dancing, etc..)

Communities

Creating and recognizing our various communities of family, friends, neighbors, nature/animals, groups with shared interests, spiritual communities/sangha, ancestors & descendants, compatriots, fellow humans, government/politics, volunteers, fellow drivers on a shared road, fellow travelers, residents of places we visit while traveling, the Earth, the visible and invisible life force.

Looking at communities brought up a very interesting exploration when it came to people we don’t know. So I asked, ‘If you saw someone driving poorly and you (reacting out of fear for the danger they cause to you) have some negative inner commentary going on, and then you see that the driver is someone you know and like, does the inner commentary change?

Think about this for yourself before reading on.

Several students commented that yes it would change their view. Why?

One answered, “Someone I don’t know I see only this one behavior and I assume that is how they are, whereas someone I know, I see this as only one incident. I know so many more facets to who they are, so I am more likely to be forgiving.”

How did you answer this question? Question your answer: Is this true? How do I know this is true? It makes for an interesting investigation. If you are up for a discussion, please comment below.

(Many readers of these posts do not notice the little pencil symbol below, which is an opportunity to comment. Comments are always welcome, and in this exploration  discussion, to share examples of unskillful action and try out using the practice to see how things went wrong. In this particular post, here’s an opportunity to share your own inner investigation.)

Next post we will continue this investigation.

Even Bad Habits Don’t Deserve to be Kicked!

A More Effective Way to Deal
with Destructive Behavior

The spacious mind that arises out of the regular practice of meditation is a perfect stage for noticing a self-destructive behavior, and then noticing the voice inside us that activates or instigates that behavior. This noticing and listening is much more effective than trying to strong arm ourselves into stopping the behavior. How many times have you quit smoking or gone on a diet only to sabotage yourself? This is clearly a painful self-destructive pattern. Each failure makes us feel like a failure. Each hope dashed lowers our view of our own abilities.

Remembering when we have been successful at changing a behavior, we also remember a feeling of being whole-hearted, of being completely clear, and that it felt as if the change came about naturally. That sense of wholeness and clarity allows for positive change. Otherwise, the thundering roar of a cacophony of conflicting inner directives – desires, urges, fears – may totally derail us. The clarity comes from all the inner voices being in tune and in harmony. All our inner aspects need to be on board before a real shift can happen.

If we are really noticing, we find that on every journey to an unskillful action there is a conversation between inner aspects. At first we may notice only the most urgent voice demanding that cookie right now. The urgency is uncomfortable or exhilarating, and it may feel like our only choice is to comply. But when we pay closer attention, we find there is at least one other voice as well. If we recognize that the urgency doesn’t necessarily require immediate action, that we actually can tolerate ‘listening to the inner baby cry’ a bit before responding, we might begin to hear another voice as well.

There is a quiet voice within each of us that we may never notice until we are really paying attention. The silence of meditation allows us to become aware of a calm inner spacious wisdom. Through the regular practice of meditation, we can seek this wise inner resource out, as I did in my book Tapping the Wisdom Within, A Guide to Joyous Living.

As we begin to listen to this inner wisdom, we can allow it to have loving diplomatic conversations with our other aspects, negotiating inner peace. We can shift the internal power structure so that the urgent caffeinated aspects that have been yelling so loud that we give them what they want just to shut them up for a while, are no longer calling the shots.

At first it may be hard to find that wise inner voice, mostly because our more rambunctious aspects are running the show. But with regular meditative practice, quiet walks in nature, setting the intention to stay in the present moment and be kind, we create a spaciousness that allows us to notice and listen with curiosity. With that spaciousness, our journey of self-discovery truly begins.

Any self discovery we have done in the past, without this spaciousness, is more likely to have been a grabbing at identity clues and claiming them. I am that, I am like that, I am that kind of person. Our discoveries may be interesting or comforting, but really they are just decorative accessories of identity.

The self-discovery we embark on through this meditative practice is not a grabbing identity as if our behaviors or preferences are life preservers to save us.

Often it is our attachment to a certain identity that causes us and those around us suffering. My mother died of emphysema. She said she could have quit smoking much sooner, but she was so sure she would be an incredibly boring person without a cigarette in her hand to make her glamorous! Those artful smoke swirls of 1930’s movies had done their number on her. Of course when she finally quit she was even more interesting and enjoyable to be around.

A good question to ask ourselves when we are wanting to quit a habit but are finding it impossible: Who would I be without my cigarette? or Who would I be without my sweet treats? or Who would I be without my quick temper? The answers may set us on a fruitful journey of exploration.

Perhaps you have known a child whose room is piled high with all manner of garbage – discarded soda cans, gum wrappers, etc. – and they refuse to acknowledge this is trash. What’s up with that? Perhaps they are desperately building an identity for themselves, and everything they have touched defines them. So throwing away the soda can is for them throwing away a bit of themselves. This is an extreme example of something we all do to varying degrees. We take pride in our choices of the objects we have chosen to fill our lives, and vest them with the power to define us, to represent us to the world and even to ourselves. We can be very rigid in our definition. I would never wear that! I hate that kind of food. I’m the kind of person who lives in this kind of house, decorated in this particular style. I can't imagine myself in a different setting. All of these kinds of statements are not just preferences, they are the life preservers of our identity, and we cling to them pretty fiercely.

When we come into a vaster vantage point of Right View, we begin to see that none of these things are us at all. What is offered is much greater than all of this little detritus floating around in the sea that we’ve been clinging to for dear life. It is the invitation to recognize that we are the sea itself. We don’t need life preservers of identity to rescue us. We are already rescued! We only need to recognize our true nature.

Notice the little voice in you saying, But I want the cool things! This is not about giving up the things. It’s about shifting our relationship to them and the world around us, not believing that these things define us. And then not being attached to the identity of being a person who can do without things. It’s an ongoing process!

If you are not yet ready to give up the life raft of identity, don’t fret. Don’t add yet another voice to the cacophony within that says you haven’t got it. Baloney! You’ve got it. It’s all there. In your own time, in your own way, at your own pace, you will reveal all to yourself. Patience. Practice. Intention to be present in this moment and to be kind. Let that be absolutely enough. It truly is.

And with that regular meditative practice comes:
- The spaciousness to notice a thought, a desire, an urge, passing through
- The patience to stay with the thought a while before fulfilling its demand through action.
- The ability to see that the thought has a voice, an agenda, an intention that may be rooted in fear.
- The time to pause and follow that thought thread down to its roots
- The willingness to become familiar with this voice, to give it an affectionate name,
- The wisdom not to claim it as identity but to recognize its concerns
- The skill to negotiate a workable solution that circumvents the unskillful behavior it requests, while fulfilling the deeper need for a sense of safety and security that it desires.

Listening to the voice that is promoting the behavior, naming it, asking questions, negotiating some equitable solution. Voice by voice, we get ourselves together, speaking with one clear intention.

That’s when resistance to the change we want to make falls away. We haven’t ripped it out, we haven’t thrown any part of ourselves away, we haven’t sacrificed anything. We have simply made friends with ourselves and become whole-hearted and able to do what we need to do.

Eightfold Path: Wise Action: Precepts

Wise Action, like all aspects of the Eightfold Path, arises out of the foundation of Right Understanding or View and the anchor of Right Intention. However, as mentioned in the last post, we may have challenging habitual patterns and unconscious behavior that sabotage our efforts to Wise Action. We come to the practice humbled by our inability to force different behavior upon ourselves. How often have we tried to break a self-destructive habit -- an addiction, a lack of awareness, a leaning into the future as we race around getting things accomplished – only to find ourselves lighting up a cigarette, standing in front of the refrigerator with a carton of ice cream in our hands, or reacting with impatience, even rudeness, in a traffic jam.

Through the practice of meditation, we not only begin to see our thoughts, sensations and emotions, we begin to see our behavior in the world. We recognize the uncomfortable thoughts that arise out of doing things that are contrary to our deepest intention. And in that recognition we can truly begin to shift away from destructive behaviors.

Wise Action starts out identifying those things we can refrain from doing in order to free ourselves from suffering and in order not cause suffering to others. These are called the Precepts. There are five of them for lay people, more for monks and nuns. Every time we sit a retreat we begin by taking the Five Precepts, but they are useful in daily life as well. Like the Eightfold Path, the Five Precepts help us to identify where we are wandering into disconnection and suffering.

The Five Precepts
Refrain from killing or harming other beings.
Take only what is freely given, i.e. refrain
from stealing, exploiting or deceiving.
Refrain from misusing of our sexuality.
Speak truthfully and kindly (covered in Right Speech),
Maintain clarity of mind by avoiding intoxicants.

When we sit in meditation regularly our minds may clear to a point that these precepts naturally arise within us, bringing our actions in harmony with our intentions. The resulting sense of cohesion and calm is integrity. Integrity comes from the Latin ‘integ-’ which means whole, complete. We feel a sense of integrity in our being when our actions are aligned with our deepest wisdom. We feel we have come home to ourselves, that we are whole and complete.

Though at first perhaps, taking such vows might feel daunting, keeping the Precepts is ultimately quite pleasurable as we find a spaciousness in our minds freed from the guilt, shame and confusion caused by harming, stealing, lying, over-indulging or clouding our minds.

But a lifetime of habits does not always fall away easily. When they don’t and we are feeling miserable, we can look to the Eightfold Path and the Five Precepts for clues as to why we are feeling so badly.

When we discover the source of our misery, we don’t beat ourselves up about it. We practice inner kindness. But we are also clear in our understanding that our behavior has caused harm to ourselves and probably others. While we are responsible for the resulting suffering, the resulting sense of guilt is useful only until it brings us insight. Once it has provided us with the opportunity to see clearly, we can let the guilt go. That moment of awareness always calls us to return to the practice with renewed dedication, anchored by Right Intention in the foundation of Right View.